Letter From Your Ex-Daughter

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Driving home and looking at the mountains I stop to take it in with awe. How amazing are they created so perfect and huge. Who would think they could crumble? Who would think water can penetrate them? Subhan Allah I ponder over this amazing creation feeling a sense of anxiety setting in. I wonder how many people are cold up there. The last journey I made into the mountains I couldn’t eat properly for weeks as guilt trickled into my mind at every meal time. My home comforts and pleasures seemed so wasted when others don’t have food, warm clothes or even proper windows.

A sense of shame looms over me as I put my head down get my phone and take a picture so I can finish my journey before getting into the village and around people. A few tears work their way up into my eyes blinking faster I try to flush them out. I look at these happy little kids kicking a small white ball across the path of my car they stop to allow me to pass. As my eyes scale them I see shorts and shirts with flip flop shoes. They know I’m the foreigner and wave happily the little girl gestures her hands for me to keep the horn. Such joy fills their hearts as I look to my hands with my gloves on and 3 layers of clothes I feel defeated.

How much I wish to have been a child again and to feel that joy of play and laughter without a worry or fear. These children may not have warm clothes or many comforts I did when growing up but most of them that I know have loving mothers a luxury I didn’t get to experience.

Little did I know I would come across some material about the impact of abuse on children as they grow. I sent it to my mum, I don’t know why but I did. We haven’t had a normal kind of conversation in months. Her reply, just abusive emotionally and totally lacking in any empathy or normal consideration. She knows her brother molested me yet she abuses me because of it. I never asked for that to happen to me. Every hurtful word and thing she ever said or did to me just flashed through my head so full of anxiety I became sick onto my phone and the floor falling to my hands and knees crying. I was done, I refuse to be blamed or treated like the guilty one here. I also refuse to have someone in my life who is clearing abusing me emotionally and has now brought us such a bad side of myself that I was writing insulting words to them.

To my mother who I blocked from my life tonight never to speak to you again. I’m sorry for being the thorn in your side, for ruining your relationships with your boyfriends and dates. I apologise for not knowing when to remain silent and talk too much. I’m sorry I never finished school and my punctuation is horrible even Google can’t help. I regret all that I did as a child that caused you to feel anger and frustration at me as I didn’t know that would remain a lifetime and turn into the hateful ways you are with me. I’m sorry I was your daughter and that you didn’t want to be my mother for who I was.

But most of all I’m sorry I wasted the last year’s of my life waiting for you to openly love me and listen to what I endured hoping you would be part of my path to closure.

From tonight I won’t speak with you again so that I may begin to heal and stop hating you back.

9 comments

    • I think everyone deserves better than that. No one deserves toxic people in their life. It just hurts to think I will raise my children and get on with life alone all though I have done that with her in my life anyway. But closing the door on that chapter automatically felt like I received some closure

      • Exactly. I feel like my emotional and mental well being is more important for my kids and myself and if she or anyone else isn’t in my life to better me and better that then they can step left. I feel like I was leaving a door open to allowing that cycle to continue and honestly it sounds crazy I know but that metaphorical door being shut feels so good

      • I totally get what you’re saying! I’ve had to shut people out of my life as well though different circumstances. But when you delete those people, it’s like a weight is being lifted off your shoulders!

  1. Removing an emotional burden from one’s life is essential to productively move forward with your own life. It is understandable to want to close a door, but may I respectfully suggest instead to currently keep a distance that provides you peace of mind. I have heard horror stories that ultimately reached a state of acceptable resolution requiring many years before satisfying the emotional needs of both the recipient and donor of terrible pain.

    Move forward and safeguard your children, but always remain capable of forgiveness. If your mother ever earns this forgiveness, both lives may just be better lived.

    Wishing you peace in heart and mind.

    • I agree 100% with you, all though I tried for the past 10 years to do this I felt I was always under her rule and under her terms of acceptable emotions and conversation. I literally felt muzzeled. Upon our last conversation in person I tried to bring up my childhood and literally before I finished my sentence she was up and ready to walk out to which I said if she left she wasn’t welcome in any of our lives again. She walked out to her current boyfriend waiting for her outside. Once again feeling abandoned by her while she ran to another man. I blocked her from my phone and she resides ” back home” after a few months I unblocked her and opened that door to the communication I was willing to and only that. No personal details about my daily life and just to ask how she is. When I sent her a paragraph about the result of children who are abused etc she flipped out on me saying she wants to talk about it without me abusing her … like what ??? And that I’m just blaming her etc etc it was just too much for me, years of anger and frustration came out in the most least desirable words there forever in a message I decided I won’t allow myself to speak and act such a manner and need to heal which needs to be that door shut for good and no intention of it opening again. Having said that I will only ever open it if she initiates something starting with an understanding and open heart to acknowledging what happened to me as she has already said she knows. My other posts in life stories go into more detail about what happened and the disconnect between my mother and I. I feel like I’m living an oppressive lie under her rule having her in my life and need to breathe. I appreciate your comment and I can only hope for some kind of relationship with her in the d
      Future although i don’t see her letting go of her pride and arrogance enough for that.

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