Many times when people mention Eid they remind us its a day of joy and happiness, to wear nice clothes and enjoy ourselves no matter what else is going on at that time, after a month of hard work and sacrifice.
I personally have always found Eid very sad and emotional, usually the maghrib prayer before Eid day is one that makes me cry, you know those tears that are so heavy you can’t think and my chest feels like a tornado is swirling inside.
This year I saw people so happy about what they bought for Eid, where they are going to go and flaunting it all online. Messages back and forth congratulating each other with kisses and hearts it is clear that many people are feeling the joy of Eid and sharing that with eachother.
This year I had a number of calls the day before Eid from mothers and other women asking for help to buy clothes for their kids to wear to Eid salah women who wanted a little money or help to get the ingredients to make sweets and cakes for their families and those who wanted to just thank me for what I was able to be blessed to do for them during Ramadan ( by the grace of Allah and those amazing people who donated)
Most people don’t know that I don’t buy new clothes for Eid because once upon a time I slept in the streets and was eating from rubbish bins, then I was a single mother and couldn’t afford many basic things and now that I’m in a position that yes I could afford to buy something nice for myself I have chosen not to as I don’t find it justifiable nor desirable to myself when I know that people are hungry, people who desire so much to have a new item of clothing would appreciate it much more and that children who only know the 2 Eids to be days that almost all rules can be broken and everyone gets what they want, they deserve to have that joy.
One year a very special person sent me clothes for Eid which was the first time I had worn something new and it was so beautiful which is usually the same thing I wear every Eid since although it’s no longer new but to me it’s still my best clothing because of what it meant to me and how I received it.
Most people don’t know that I avoid the Eid prayer because I’m to weak to smile and hide my pain that someone will actually know what hurts me and to feel soo vulnerable while watching women sit with their mothers, sisters and aunties listening to the khutbah and praying to Allah side by side, then watching sisters link up with their husbands and walking home together I fear that sadness that reaches my heart would harm them. I don’t wish to harm anyone by my eyes or to make them feel sad because of my pain. There are many sisters who feel this pain and usually I can keep my suffering to myself and smile away and no ones the wiser, but some things you can’t hide even with a niqab on.
Most people don’t know although I know a lot of people and help much more, few people actually know the real me and even fewer ever actually ask about me, really ask how I’m or if I’m ok, or if I need something. In all honesty I’m ok with that because I have always remained to myself and never depended on others for anything and especially not for my own happiness. But on days like Eid when people just forward on the same copy and paste messages and pictures saying Eid Mubarak with flowers etc and this is a day we should celebrate as an ummah I feel very much that I’m and outsider and that many care more about their own blood then the ummah.
Most people don’t know that I know how to help others and would do anything for them as long as I’m able to or find someone else to help them but most of the time I don’t know how to help myself.
Most people don’t know my closest of friends don’t know for my Eid I was sitting at my computer typing this with tears sliding down my cheeks while they laughed, joked and enjoyed themselves with their family. I know few strangers will read it because everyone is busy with Eid but I ask the few who do, did you realise that people spend Eid this way? Did you consider how those that you know are really spending their Eid? lastly, when was the last time you actually sincerely asked if your friends are ok ?e
Most people don’t know I cry, I rarely do, but I do and no one hears those tears but Allah because the reality is that ….. Most people don’t know!